Saying Goodbye to Grandma Ham

 On Sunday, September 14th, my dad let us know that Mom's breathing sounded very different and that the hospice nurse told him that Mom had transitioned into "active dying." Paul and I told the kids that Grandma's time here would be very short and that we were going to visit her soon. After thinking about it, Tessa and Rockwell decided they wanted the last time they had seen her (when she could look at them and communicate a little bit and do her cry that expressed her love) to be their goodbye. Damon decided that he wanted to go visit her, and so the three of us went to Summit to spend the afternoon with her.

Al and Caitlyn were there at the same time and it was nice to be there with them.

Paul and Damon were glad they were able to tell her a final goodbye.

I know this was so hard on my dad. He wanted to be there by her side as much as he possibly could.

I went and sat with her again on Monday. She seemed at peace, but it was sure hard to see how quickly she was declining.

Matt came into town on Tuesday. My dad, Matt, Al, Mel and I spent the day/evening with Mom.

We all spent the day there on Wednesday as well. Throughout the day her breathing became more and more labored and mechanical.

Gary and Ashley were flying in Wednesday night. As the day progressed, we got more and more worried that Mom would pass away before they got there. I know it was important to Gary to see her while she was still breathing and with us. I kept saying silent prayers that she would hold on until Gary could get there.

They made it! 

When Gary started talking to Mom, saying the things he really wanted to say to her, she opened her eyes and looked at him. She had not been awake or aware for days, but she was clearly listening and understanding what he was saying. It was amazing. I'm so glad Mom and Gary were able to connect and have those moments together. 

We all wanted to be able to connect with her one last time too.

Dad gave my mom a blessing, and that was very sweet.

We each took a turn to hug and kiss her and say a final goodbye.

I thanked Mom for some things and expressed my love for her. It meant so much to me that she did her moan/cry when I thanked her for teaching me how to be a mom. As hard and awful as it has been to watch my mom suffer from Alzheimer's, I was always so grateful for the moments when we were able to connect and I was able to feel her love for me. When she would cry a certain cry, I could feel that she was proud of me or Paul or my kids....like she used to be. When she would cry a certain cry, I could feel that she cared about me and what was going on in my life.....like she used to. We had moments every now and then where her selfless, caring, loving, thoughtful personality could break through the disease and show itself. I remember her being very anxious at Rockwell's State XC Meet, but offering to wait for lunch (it was very hard for her to break from plans) because she said, "I bet you're worried about Rockwell and want to get home." I remember this summer, Mom watching the video of Tessa's floor routine (actually watching the whole thing!) and saying, "She's very talented." I remember Mom crying when Damon would give her his amazing hugs. I remember Mom crying when Rockwell told her about going to FSY. I remember Mom hugging Tessa and just holding on for so long. I remember telling Mom about something Rockwell had done (I can't remember exactly what, I really wish I had written it down then!), and her replying, "He's such a good kid." I remember her crying most times I said goodbye and told her I love her. That cry communicated her understanding and love, and I had missed that all week. I really thought that she wasn't going to have any more conscious moments, and that I wouldn't get that cry/communication from her ever again. It seriously made me so happy and also broke my heart at the same time to have her respond like that one more time.

It was such a tender mercy for us all to get one more moment of connection with Mom. After everyone had said their goodbye, we tried to quiet down, turn down the lights, and Matt wiped her tears away and got her back to sleep.

We weren't sure if she would make it through the night, but she was still with us Thursday morning. We all spent the day in her room again, and then Caleb flew in that evening. He wanted to see her when she was still breathing instead of coming to the funeral so it was another blessing that Caleb made it in time.

We all wanted to be there as much as we could so we spent the day there Friday as well. It was fun to see videos and hear stories of Caleb's daughters. He's a proud dad and it's adorable.

Lindy came and visited with us too.

I think we all knew when we left Friday night that she was going to pass away that night. Her breathing had really become mechanical and her coloring had changed. Al spent the night in the recliner and woke up a little before 3:00 am (September 20th) to Mom not breathing anymore. She touched her and Mom took one last gasp and then she was gone. I'm really glad Al was there with her. She told the staff that Mom had passed and then called all of us. Matt and Caleb went right over and were there when the mortuary came to take Mom's body. They left a rose on Mom's bed. 

After talking to Al, I cried for a while and then went back to bed for a while. I went for a walk to the Lindon Temple when I got out of bed. There are benches along the trail and luckily the bench that's tucked away was open so I could cry without making people uncomfortable as they passed. :) As I was walking, the song Peace In Christ kept playing in my mind. I listened to a few versions of the song while I sat there at the temple. We had been wondering what song to use at Mom's funeral, and so I texted the family and suggested that one. I love it.

Tessa asked if she could have Hallee over that afternoon. I think it was good for them to be together.

Damon wanted to have a Fruit by the Foot for a treat that night because Grandma used to have a Fruit by the Foot for the grandkids every single time she saw them. 

I'm very relieved for Mom that she can be released from this disease. I'm very grateful for the staff at Summit that took such great care of her. I'm glad to know she had some good times there and that the staff loved her so much. I sure am sad though. I miss her like crazy. I wish she could be here and be her old self again. It is so hard and unsettling to lose a parent like her. 

Elder Lance B. Wickman gave a talk called But If Not and I appreciate a quote from that: "Grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his(her) suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning." My grief is so big right now, but I know it's because of how big the love is that my mom and I have for each other. I'm grateful for her love and for the 42 years I got with her.