Five Years

It has been five years since Jen passed away. I have felt very different emotions each of the five Aprils since. I don't know if I will ever just settle into one emotion when it comes to Jen. Unexpected death is just so very complicated. This year, I am remembering all the fun times and good memories I have of my 29 years with Jen. I miss her (not in the completely sorrowful way like the 3rd year luckily! That was a really really hard April), but I'm very grateful for all the positive times that we had together.

Jen always said I was so quiet that she forgot I was in the room. I heard all sorts of secrets and "teenage talk" when I was a little kid. I'm pretty sure she would have told me everything anyway, but she always acted like she didn't mean to say it in front of me.

Jen loved purple. She said "purple was her thing." Her bedroom was purple, her clothes, her jewelry, and she even colored her hair purple for a while. I wish I had kept a purple bracelet from her house. I only took one sign when we went to her house for the last time, but I would like to have more to remember her by. A purple bracelet definitely would make me think of her. The sign I took was hanging in her kitchen and it says "In a world where you can be anything, be yourself." I have that saying hanging in all the kids' bedrooms now.

We liked to borrow each other's clothes when I was in high school. She lived at home for a while during my high school years and we enjoyed having two wardrobes to choose from.
    
My friends all loved Jen. She would spend time with us whenever we hung out at our house. We never felt like annoying little kids to her, she took the time to get to know my friends and genuinely liked them.

Jen did my hair for my very first date to the homecoming dance. It took forever, but I loved spending that time with her. I was a little nervous about going on a date and she helped to calm my nerves with advice and jokes. She, along with the rest of my siblings, were always happy to be there when a date picked me up to ask what his intentions were with their sister. Ha! Not embarrassing at all! ;)
  
Jen had a great singing voice. She would sing around the house all the time. My first year of college I had a roommate who sung all the time too. I loved it, because it made it feel like home.

I have a lot of memories at Jen's apartment in the Avenues in Salt Lake. I'll always remember being there watching the Jazz game where they went to the NBA finals. I remember Holly and me having a sleepover there. I always thought it was so fun to hang out there with my siblings and cousins.

I've just been thinking of a lot of memories with Jen lately and wanted to write them down. It was fun to find all these pictures and remember even more fun times that we had together. I finally went to her grave this year. I can't really pinpoint why I have never wanted to go there, but I finally felt ready to go. Turns out, I don't really like it there. I didn't feel anything but sad. I have friends who say they go there because that's where they can feel closest to the person they've lost. I have definitely felt closer and more peaceful when I'm at home praying, or reminiscing with family. I sure love Jen and really have cherished the times that I have felt her close in the last five years.